The Sharks on Land

Name: Eric Menendez

Date: 28 July 2010

Hometown: Stinson Beach, California

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Man, have I had a crazy night.  It couldn’t have come at a crazier time, especially after that intense rainstorm we just had. For the past three, four days we’ve had some awesome surf! I’m talking 15 to 20 foot swells – consistently! Even the seals were grabbing a piece of the waves. I think that’s what they were waiting to do – beached up, all lazied up in the sun days before. I’m pretty sure they knew these waves were coming. It was actually kinda ridiculous… so I guess last night tops off all this craziness.

It wasn’t rainy at all that day, just incredibly overcast. The sky didn’t start to clear up until around five or six o’clock. Not until you could see that incredible amber sky – one of the true treasures of the pacific. There’s nothing more rewarding then just sitting on your board out away from the shore, away from people, taking in the ambience of the Pacific and all her beauty and just gaze at the most beautiful sight in the world. While stuff might be hectic on shore – like my job… or, at least finding one. It’s been painful searching for a job right now in the state, and I’m just trying to survive the economy.  I’ve tried my damndest to find a job as a teacher, but so far “No Good.”

So I have two jobs: I’m either an on-call substitute teacher in San Francisco, or I’m in the local surf shop selling whatever keeps you out there to either enjoy the surf, or admire the treasure of the Pacific. Fortunately – and as painful as it’s been – I’ve made it work for the time being. It looks like surviving the economy is definitely a possibility.

When in times of duress, I think we all find ways to make even the most basic needs work – so long as we try. You’re probably wondering right now – “What about last night?” Everything about last night has everything to do with surviving. COMPLETELY.

So I’m at Smiley’s Saloon recuperating from a good day’s worth of surf (I took the liberty to have some sick days saved up for when some paramount clouds like these would roll in so I could totally take up the surf… I’m glad I did because it was awesome. These were days worth living.) I’m there sipping back a couple of Bud Lights – from the bottle of course because there’s nothing on tap there – when this very unrighteous chick starts hitting on me (I don’t think there were enough beers in Smiley’s to make this chick righteous on any level.) I kindly acknowledge her presence, but eventually leave. The girl-to-guy ratio isn’t usually in the guy’s favor there anyway– the d-bags are always on the scene circling the poor, good-looking girls like sharks in the Red Triangle just at the beaches nearby. I don’t understand why women would subject themselves so easily like that. That bar could really use a “Ladies Night” more often… but anyways, I’m leaving the bar and Miss Unrighteous comes storming out worse than El Niño. I’m thinking, “Oh great… a drunk stalker.” Definitely the last time I go to a bar without a wingman.

Anyway, I make my way back to my car and she just corners me at my car, and straight up grabs my dick. “Whoa! I can tell you’re not a woman who likes foreplay!” Ms. Niño replies with, “I’m like you: I just go straight for the surf!” Holy fuck… this bitch is crazy! At this point I’m extremely uncomfortable, and the only way out of this situation is “through the eye of the storm.” No, not sex. (Dear God, no: I’m a man of wealth and taste.) Not with this chick. Instead - I grab her, and make out with her. Bam! Her defenses went down. She totally didn’t see that coming. Her eyes were totally shut and then I just took off down the street before she could realize what happened… I ran two blocks down, and across the street just to keep eyes on this chick and then luck was literally around the corner. Right when she realized I was gone, she just broke down into a drunken mess right in front of my car… she was on her knees crying her eyes out. It was embarrassing. Ughh…. This would mean I would have to wait for her to leave.  She looked up though – and this guy was just strolling right up to her. Man, when I saw this guy first glance, I could’ve sworn he was at least as drunk as she was. Very slow. Very lackadaisical. He didn’t say anything though – but I didn’t think twice. I’ve met my share of silent drunks… to include those that have puked on me. Speaking of which, that’s what she did. Thank God I ditched this bitch… but the weird part about this was this guy just kept walking towards her… slowly. Dragging his drunk feet. This guy has GOT to be drunker than her.

Anyway, what happens next is totally unexpected – as Mr. Drunky turns out to be Mr. Hannibal and straight up bites Ms. Niño! She screamed briefly, but not for long. I was in horror! Thank God I was sober enough to see what was going on… I quickly sprinted over to see what the hell this guy was doing to her, and he was eating her! And I thought the most vicious creatures were out in the Red Triangle, not in Bolinas. Holy Fuck! Hannibal Lecter sees me and – before I even realize it – he lunges right at me! (If you’ve ever wondered that it’s possible to shit yourself when you’re scared – yes, it is very possible! It was no longer a theory after that moment.) I just took off running down Wharf and wouldn’t stop. I was like Gump – I ran like there was no tomorrow. And then I realized that I made something of a mistake… a slight mistake: I ran towards the Wharf! I was in so much of a panic that I didn’t even realize where I was going. Fuck me, man! Right when I turned around to look for a way out, Hannibal runs right into me and we fly right into the water!

I’m trying to swim away from him, but he’s got me by the shirt on my back. This dude is either going to eat me, or I’m going to drown. There’s no way out of this one… and I’m struggling to get away. He’s ripping at my shirt. He’s sinking. I’m struggling. The seals beached across the way on the shore are barking. I’m fucked! Then the unbelievable happens… a shark comes in and nabs this guy! It was ridiculous! A grey smooth-hound shark just comes in and attacks this guy instantly –shortly followed by a second one.  They escorted him down deeper in the water, except for the arm that was grabbing my shirt.

So while this guy is struggling with these two fighters just off the Wharf, I’m swimming faster than Michael Phelps in 2008. I make it to shore, and the seals are still barking… mostly at the sharks, but also at me. And then I realized why. The guy’s arm was on my back.

Without any hesitation, I threw my shirt off. I took a good look at the arm – and it was decaying…or… decayed? It looked like it had been decaying for quite some time, and to this day I haven’t got a clue. The guy eating poor Ms. Niño was… dying? Suffering from some weird case of necrosis? He ate her up really well… just like the shark at him up.

The ambulance eventually came for the girl. I would file a sworn statement with the local police, describing the tragedy of Ms. Niño. She was just another person. She eventually died… but then re-animated and survived. Before anyone else knew what to make of her “condition,” two-thirds of the hospital was re-animated. This pushed the downfall of Northern California. Right when I thought my life was saved by the worst known predators of the Red Triangle, the real threat was on land… waiting for me.

I guess really all I have to say at this point is, “Thank God I’m still alive! Thank God for the sharks in the Red Triangle!” I give myself every pat on the back I can give for surviving this economy, but maybe that’s been a sign all along to get out of California - to seek better opportunities!  To avoid certain death, destruction and chaos… I’d better make a decision soon. San Francisco looks as though it’s about to come crashing down faster than those waves did!